The Struggle for the Soul
As I was walking my dog last week I became aware of a small butterfly. It looked beautiful as it was dancing on the light breeze, seemingly in perfect harmony with its own nature. No doubt it is in perfect harmony with itself, it knows no other way.
As I was walking past I thought about the enormous transformation it had undergone to reach this state of beauty and grace. There seemed no doubt in its very existence about its true nature. It simply was.
I wondered how it might have felt, how it might have experienced this tremendous transformation. The sort of transformation I am looking for. Of course I realise that I am projecting my human experience onto this butterfly through the eyes of self-reflective consciousness.
Regardless of that, I am also looking for a transformation; a transformation from who I am at the moment into a being of grace and beauty, in perfect alignment with my true nature.
By nature we are divine beings, we are spirit in a human form.
And the truth be told, I do not really know what the end result of this transformation will look and feel like.
The pressure I am experiencing is immense.
Pressure on my mind. All these thoughts running through my head. But also pressure to do. Pressure to create, to manifest. Sometimes it feels as though this pressure is going to tear me to pieces.
Perhaps this pressure is what is needed. I want a new “me”. A “me” more in line with what I think I am, who I think I am, what I think I am here to do.
Then I wonder if this really is true?
I get the feeling that exactly this is also the problem. I am coming more and more to the understanding that thinking has nothing to do with this. My thoughts are only getting in the way of my life. I need to somehow find a way to not let them take over, disillusion me, bring doubt. Even forcing myself to think positively does not seem to work. Again this meets with resistance.
So how then do I achieve this? Despite years of reading, studying and meditating I feel not that much closer to my goal.
Being true to yourself is tough, it is not fluffy and most certainly not romantic!
It must be the hardest and also the most rewarding thing in life to be able to truly step into who you are.
True knowledge and wisdom, transformation itself, lives and thrives in the depths of our being. It happens in the darkness. In order to emerge transformed, I am aware that I need to go deep within. I have to withstand the pressure, the transformation itself. If I withdraw nothing will change. The deeper I go, the higher I will be able to soar.
So I will allow myself to plunge into the depths of my own being, I will withstand the pressure, the dark night of the soul and I will emerge reborn. I cannot say how long this process will last, and how the new me will want to live her life.
But I know one thing for certain. There will be change.
In order to live this new life I have to leave the old one behind. To say “No” to things that no longer serve the new me. To let go of people, jobs, habits, even thoughts and emotions that are no longer in alignment with who I am becoming.
This needs to be done despite the resistance all of the above will bring into my life.
Ready or not, there is no way back!