As I am about to open my eyes, I know it is yet again very early in the morning, even though the early morning light shining though the gaps in the blinds might have deceived me.
Yep, 5am it is. I am woken by pressure. I cannot even say where the pressure is, or why it is there. I am not in physical pain, but the pressure is certainly causing me discomfort, which you could call pain. Perhaps emotional pain, or mental pain. Perhaps even spiritual pain.
What am I to do with this pressure? What is its message? All I want is for it to go away, but it does no such thing.
I feel vulnerable. I feel as though all of my plans and my ambitions are so far out of reach. The old doubt is returning. “Who are you to do this?”
I cannot stay where I am yet do not want to move where I need to go.
As I sit with this pressure I acknowledge it. I believe it is there to draw my attention to something. Something I need to know, to realise, to heal, to let go. And regardless of what I find, I will not give up on my dream, my vision for me and my future.
As I ponder I begin to realise that a lot of this has to do with wanting to please others, yet go my own way. And perhaps there is an inherent conflict here, especially if the two paths go in different directions. I feel like a worm pulled in different directions by two chickens having picked it up on either end.
I will have to make a choice otherwise this might well tear me apart.
Growing up I heard so often, that I had to be a “good little girl”. Love seemed very much conditional. In order to belong I had to fit in. Whether this was the intention of my parents is irrelevant.
Only the meaning we give to the events in our life matter, not the events themselves.
And meaning shapes itself into beliefs. Look at the word belief. I can see two words there. To “be” and “live”. Our beliefs shape who we are and how we live our lives.
We are all the same in this respect. And somehow somewhere the belief formed in my subconscious mind that my right to a life of my choice was not available to me.
Some years ago I heard the phrase “Excuse me for being alive” on a TV show. To this day, this short sentence really resonates with me.
What is happening now then, as I begin to truly pursue a life of my own choice, is that these old beliefs are coming up to the surface.
The need to belong, the fear of not being able to survive are some of the most powerful driving forces in our lives. And deep down I believe that I have to please others in order to survive.
Well, let me rephrase this. This used to be my belief. I am now making a new one.
I can heal my broken will. This is my intention. This is where I will focus my energy. I will seek validation from within and no longer from the world around me.
I truly hope you like this blog and perhaps even find it inspiring. But you know what, at the end of the day I do not mind.
I am on a journey. A journey to find the “me” I am meant to be, and that “me” needs to be free.
So when you feel pressure, just take a minute to listen what it wants to tell you. The message might be more important than you would ever imagine.